you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
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