Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
