Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Dear god my vagina.
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