we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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