There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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