Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
