i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
