I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
