I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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