her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
