i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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