so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
