i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
My ATM looks so different sober.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Randomize
