Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I think I have vodka in my lungs
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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