I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
