I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
