Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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