He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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