Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
