my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
