so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
