On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
