drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Randomize
