either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
