even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
