good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
