I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
