Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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