Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
