So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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