I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
