How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
