He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
