My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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