Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
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