I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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