i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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