why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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