you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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