They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
