I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
