you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
