glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
