I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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