First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
