I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
