At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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