I think I won the penis lottery.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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