How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
