Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
