too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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