Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I think pants incapable of making pants work
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
