dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
